Everyone talks about sex. Everyone talks about dating. Everyone is successful in one or the other. But me, I’m just awesome at making everything possible so that no one gets to see me naked. Well, maybe my neighbors, if I fancy flashing my tits on the balcony, but that is all. A year in the city, a very nice flat, a nicer bed, I look fairly good, I work out more than four times a week, have sort of a social guide, no STDs. There is nothing wrong with me, and I dont have lizard skin when I take off my clothes or anything. This short, yet effective guideline, can make you also not have sex in Berlin.
- Get an awesome flat, rent your living room through Airbnb: This way, you can ensure that there will always be a weirdo sleeping there, and paying good money for it, so you have to behave. It gets better when your guests are middle-aged. Totally effective, absolutely guaranteed.
- DON’T EVER, DON’T YOU EVEN DARE, getting a job or doing something not related to art, fashion, music, photography. Get the most serious job (9-6 job, bitch, please) you can. Don’t make up stories about what you do. Have a good salary being young, and a good living. That should let you fall into the „WTF SHE IS A FUCKING YUPPIE“ category and clear out the field a bit more.
- Still, you will have other „fucking yuppies“ just like you, that may or may not want to have sex with you, when you both can coordinate your agendas. So, step three: Obsess with your gym. No one can get in the way of your sports routine. You will have no time for dating when you are too busy burning that carrot cake on the escalator, and secretly hoping, wishing, yearning, the day when you will wake up magically looking like Gisele Bundchen (for what? For nothing, obviously, you will be the only one admiring the fact that cellulite has left your body).
- Au contraire, chérie, au contraire: Many may think that not waxing/shaving is the ultimate step to forget getting some action. No, it is not. There is nothing more repelling than shag-forecasting and rushing to the lovely and crazy Brazilian waxer on Zossener Straße (if you are reading this, I love you!). Nothing better than being all prim and proper to … wake up alone, and lift up your panties to see what you have paid (and suffered for) completely in vain, cause the month will pass, the hair will grow, and that area of your body will keep on being no mans land. Wanna be a virgin again? Hopeful waxing is your way to go. It’s Murphy’s Law, I didn’t invent anything. So yeah, Chewbacca there reading this post – there’s a 90% chance that if you go on a date your partner will get a very literal „warm and fuzzy feeling“.
- The ultimate factor: Get a dog. A puppy, the cutest one you can find. Then because he cries, you will have to sleep with him. And also, because he cries, you will kiss goodbye your nights out without him till he gets a bit older, expect like 4 months of safe non-sex. Of course, in that period, you will still go on dates and parties, but with a plus one – in my case, my little dackel Tupac. Don’t worry, no matter how good you look or how hard you worked on those legs, nobody will notice them, the pup will always take the spotlight. Plus, you will get very nice comments from guys calling you the pup’s mommy. That helps out a lot in your quest not to have sex.
Following this easy four step guide, you will be able to enjoy endless nights of sleeping alone (the dog has already learnt to sleep on his own, so it’s back to only me in the bed), coming home completely drunk and waking up ready for shoving 5 croissants into your mouth, because everything has a bright side: You can rest assured there won’t be a single soul around when you get up from bed looking like absolute crap. So woman, you are free, you will never have to look cute again in the mornings. And if you accidentally do, only the creepy guy renting your living room through Airbnb will be there.